The Bat
by Cheezzus Crust
Born in 1893 to one Ethiopia's wealthiest London families, The Bat was afforded with a life of luxury most men could not fathom. As the tender age of 3, The Bat was enrolled at UCLA Berkeley to study the gentlemen's profession, Herpaderpatology. The Bat, gifted with an almost supernatural ability to both herp and derp simultaneously, quickly rose to the top of his class. In 1904, The Bat graduated from UCLA Berk and was immediately hired by Microsoft to create the now famous DerpRay. It was there, at MIcrosoft's Martian campus, that The Bat met the woman that would become the love of his life, pop-punk recording artist, PINK!. The Bat struggled mightily to balance his newfound love life and his work on the DerpRay, but alas, he couldn't keep up with both. A choice had to made. In 1917, The Bat eloped with the DerpRay and they were married in a small ceremony at Six Flags Great Adventure, in New Jersey. Among the attendees were Teddy Roosevelt, Diddy, and Aquaman. The Bat had finally had the life he had always dreamed of! But alas, it was the life he needed, but not the one he deserved. The DerpRay was struck with the most life threatening of life threatening diseases: Enlarged Big Toe-itus. The DerpRay died in 1938, while giving birth to The Bat's first child, Gregory Mallory Washington. In 1945, The Bat took young Gregory and moved to Tibet. The constant unrest in the so-called civilized world was too much for The Bat to bear. It was there that The Bat and young Gregory were taught and eventually mastered the ancient martial art known as Whoop-Ass. With their new gifts and shared mastery of both herp and derp, The Bat and young Gregory circled the globe putting boots to asses and generally fucking up the days of bad guys and ne'er-do-wells alike. But Father Time was the one person that no ass to put a boot to. The Bat grew old and tired. Young Gregory, being the loyal son that he was, halted his tedious ass-whooping campaign to be by his father's side. In 1962, with The Bat holding onto to his last moment as long as he could, he summoned young Gregory to his side. With his son's hand in his, The Bat pulled young Gregory in closer, so he may hear his father's final words. The Bat lifted a tired finger and pointed into the distance. And with his final breath, The Bat uttered the decree that would become young Gregory's mantra for the rest of his life: Dat. Ass. Young Gregory buried his father on Microsoft's Marian campus, next to the mother he barely knew. Young Gregory returned to America in 1963 and was disgusted by the sycophantic desolation that he witnessed, day in and day out. Young Gregory knew something had to change. He gathered all of the power of herp and derp he could muster and let loose an unholy can of whoop-ass so powerful, young Gregory was rocketed back in time! When young Gregory was finally awakened, he was alone in a cold forest. He knew this was his chance. Young Gregory knew that the only way to save his world, would be ensure it never exists. Young Gregory stood tall, faced the howling winds and glared at the ravenous full moon above him. With a mighty roar, young Gregory shouted, "DAT ASS!" and with that, the young Gregory of old was no more. Young Gregory changed his name to George and set out on a quest to be the greatest there ever was. To catch them was his real test, to train them was his cause. The new George Washington was going to be a Pokemon master, no matter what. And heaven help the poor bastard that dared stand in his way.
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